What the Bleep Happened to My Eggs?!?!

I am not your typical food blogger.

Rather than recipes, I offer irreverent fix-it ideas for your effed up kitchen disasters based on my ten years of cooking in restaurants.

I’m also not the greatest at food photography, so there’s a pretty big void of self-taken photographs of what I’ve cooked.

But I do try and make my readers laugh a lot, even if they’re slightly ashamed of their culinary quandaries sitting in my inbox.

If there’s one thing I get asked about the most on my blog, it’s eggs.

Why do they stick?

What’s that ewww on the bottom of the pan?

How do I crack one without getting a shell in it?

Why does my omelet stick?

How, why, when, where, what the hell?

Sometimes its easier to focus on why you messed up to begin with.

And with eggs, it’s always one thing: you don’t have the heat turned up high enough.

So many times I have witnessed this, both in my own kitchen when I’m trying to hide my eagle-eye on my husband while he cooks, and when I read other food blogs.

Let’s pretend your stove knob goes from one to ten.

You should have that guy turned up to ten while you’re getting the pan hot.

When you put a healthy dose of oil in that pan, let it get smoking hot too.

And then, only at that point do you put the eggs in and turn down the heat slightly.

This is the difference between the eggs just sitting there playing cards and having a a drink verses the perfect eggs kicking ass and cooking themselves into a fluffy little circle of heavenly perfection.

On low heat, your eggs just make friends with the pan, hold on for dear life, and they take their sweet time doing it.

If you want to take ten minutes to make an omelet, by all means go ahead, but omelets are meant to be made “á la minute,” or “in a minute,”or “hurry up, I’m freaking starving.”

As one of the more irreverent bloggers in bloggy land, I have a hard time relating to a lot of food blogs because I tend to be a little more aggressive in the kitchen (blame it on cooking with gangs of scrappy men in small spaces for a decade), but I do know one thing: we all share a mutual respect for food.

And true, while it’s always important to love and respect and have a relationship with the food you’re cooking, you won’t always be able to recreate a dreamy scene out of Julie and Julia.

Sometimes you need to recreate a scene out of an Anthony Bourdain book.

Heat is your friend and it’s there to get a job done for perfect eggs, so don’t be afraid to get all Bourdain on that omelet and really turn it up because you won’t break the food—I promise.